Friday, October 11, 2013

When It's All Over But The Crying

I can't start mourning the end of my marriage quite yet.  After all, it isn't over until the fat lady sings.  But, barring a miracle, the fat lady is warming up in the wings.  I just got a new job, one that will require me to move in the next couple months.  In all likelihood, I'll be moving by myself.

I can't... I can't even handle that thought right now.

And the thing that bothers me most is that to me it feels so inevitable.  I have given all there is to give.  I have bled, I have cried, I have tried. There is nothing more I can do. I cannot change the situation.  LEE has to change the situation.

But Lee acts like it's so inevitable too.  Like he's resigned himself to losing me.  And I'm SO ANGRY.  I want to shake him and scream at him and say "FIGHT!"  "FIGHT DAMN YOU!!!"  "It doesn't have to be this way.  It doesn't have to end this way.  It is entirely up to you.  It is in YOUR hands.  All you have to do is accept responsibility for the way you've treated me and change and make it right.  It's a tall order, but I don't think I'm asking too much.  I'm asking for you to be a partner. To treat me as an equal.  To love me as much as you love yourself.  To ask for more from this marriage then that I will exist to make your life as easy and pleasant as possible at my own expense.  FIGHT! Please... don't let me go... I don't WANT to go... I want to stay... I love you so much and I want nothing more than to stay and love you for the rest of my life... PLEASE fight for me!!!!"

But he won't, or can't, I'm not sure which.  Either way, it's the hardest thing to accept.  Because if he won't fight for me... then he doesn't really love me.  Oh, yes, he loves me but... not the way I need to be loved.  Not the way I deserve to be loved.  Not enough.  Enough to want me around when I make his life better but not enough to do the hard things it takes to keep me.  I am not worth the hardship to him.  And he is my everything... and I am going to lose my everything.

I think he thinks I could make this all go away if I would just shut up about it all.  But I can't.  My eyes have been opened and I can shut them no longer.  I can no longer bear all the burdens alone, put up with the nagging, the insults, the emotional control. I can no longer let his failings drag the whole family down with him.  I have to protect myself, and protect my kid.  I can't do it anymore.  Believe me, if I could, I almost would... it would almost be worth it not to lose him... when I love him so much and I'm losing my damn mind imagining a world without him in it.

But I can't. I deserve better. I know myself now, love myself now, respect myself now.  Problem is, I can't convince him that he's really done something so egregiously wrong.  And its the very fact that I can't convince him that makes the marriage so doomed.

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