Thursday, October 24, 2013

Never Good Enough

Lee hasn't even been gone a whole week, and I want him back.  I'm aching, begging, dying without him.

I see all these happy couples... happy families... and that's all I want.  I don't think it's too much to ask.  I just want to be with a man I adore, who adores me, and we can adore our kids together.  And I just want Lee to come HOME so that we can be that.  So we can have that.  That's all I've ever wanted.

We don't have that.  We can't have that.  He doesn't adore me, and I don't know if he ever did.  I don't adore him anymore.  Love him, yes.  Miss him, terribly.  Adore him, no.  I used to.

I just want my happily ever after.  I thought I HAD it, and it turns out it was all based on a lie.

And when I say I miss Lee, I DO miss him.  I miss him terribly.  I miss HIM... his goofiness, his silliness... the unique and myriad things that make Lee LEE.  But... I don't really miss him as he was... the selfishness... the me-first attitude.  That, I do not miss.

I miss the fantasy I had built in my head of how Lee was supposed to act, of what having a husband would be like.  And lets be clear, I don't think my fantasy was unreasonable.  I just pictured him taking care of me when life got hard.  I also pictured myself taking care of him when life got hard.

But after 6 years of always being asked to give, and never, ever receiving... after 6 years of always being told that what I was giving wasn't good enough, wasn't the exact right thing... wasn't grand enough, large enough, enough enough... That I wasn't giving enough, and I always needed to give more, more, more... and if I gave this much, THEN he would in turn have something to give to me... so I pushed myself to give that much, only to be told that I didn't do it right, and I needed to do it THIS way instead... after six years of turning myself inside out trying to give him ENOUGH so that I could get my needs met too... I have come to the realization.

It will never be my turn.

I will never be able to give enough. The bar will always be set higher.

I will never have my happily ever after... and we will never be a happy family.

Not without some changes.

Lee says I need to make some changes too.

To which I say.

You first.

It's my fucking turn.

And I miss you... God I miss you so much.  But the you I miss... isn't real and never was real... and never will be real.  Life without you sucks... and its hard... and we belong together in a way that I can't even begin to describe... and I miss you so fucking terribly sometimes I can't breathe...

You being gone sure as hell isn't getting my needs met either... but you being here... me constantly begging for scraps and crumbs and being told that I don't even deserve the scraps and crumbs you're throwing my way because I didn't take care of you good enough.

Fuck that. I'm done.


It is my turn.

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