Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Things I Will Never Know If I Stay With My Husband

If I stay with my husband I will never know...

What it's like to be wanted, to be truly desired, physically and in every other way.  What it's like to ache with need for someone and have that need joyfully quenched.

What it's like to be loved with a love that is selfless.  What it's like to be loved by someone who loves me MORE than they love themselves.  What it's like to be loved by someone who is capable of self-sacrificial giving.

What it's like to be taken care of.  To be wrapped in another's arms and know that you are safe.

What it's like to have a partner you can depend on rather than needing to ultimately rely on myself.

What it's like to have a little extra pampering.  Especially what it's like to have a pregnancy where my husband actually wants to take care of me so I can take care of the baby.

If I could've been strong enough to make it on my own.

The abject, empty landscape of a life without my husband.

And it is that last, that trumps all the rest.  Life without my husband is barren, and empty, and cold, and FAR WORSE than life with my husband.  And it's not because I think I don't deserve better... I know I do.  And it's not because I think I can't find better... I probably could.  It's because my husband, while being the greatest sorrow and pain of my life... is also the greatest joy and happiness of my life.  I do not want to live in a world where he is not the one by my side through it all... even if I have to be the strong one, the rock... even if I have to never know what it is to be really loved.  Even if I am always the giver and never the taker.  ALL of that is worth it to have that man by my side.  Because HE, in all his infuriating frustration, is still an amazing soul, and I love him with every fiber of my being, and I will never, ever let go, regardless of the cost.

I've counted the cost, and he's worth the loss.  Now, now I just need to find a way to grieve, and find the strength to do the hard work it will always take to be married to him.