So, I grew up in such a strictly Evangelical Christian home that I didn't get much in the way of sex ed. In fact, I was opted out of sex ed in health class. So my sex ed consisted of "don't do it until you get married" and "here are STD's you can (WILL) get if you do it" and "this is what the parts are called and this is what happens."
I remember, the first time I ever felt truly aroused, making out with Lee back when we were still dating... I was utterly surprised and shocked and completely unprepared for the sensation. Like, nobody had ever told me that girls get aroused like that. I thought it was a guy thing. I mean, I knew sex was supposed to feel good for girls, but I thought only guys got that physical HUNGER for it.
I've been married for 6 years. I've had a LOT of sex (not nearly as much as I would've liked to have had over the past 6 years, but quite a bit). But when it comes to sex... I still feel a little lost and naive. Like, I understand how sex WORKS, obviously. I'm even pretty good at it. But since I was raised to believe that there was no more emotional nuance to sex than "don't do it before you're married and once you're married do it as often as your husband wants whether you want to or not" I feel like there is a lot about sex that goes over my head.
And as I said recently, I recently cheated on my husband. It's a bit more complicated than that, really. He asked me to sleep with another guy... arranged it actually... and then chickened out and asked me to stop. But I didn't want to stop and so I didn't. But now I'm finding that I don't know how to handle what happened.
You see, sex with Lee has always been fraught with difficulties. I want it, he doesn't. We don't have it nearly often enough. When we have it, he's been pretty selfish and clumsy and... not very good.
So I slept with Bobby. It was one night. And that one night has shaken me to my foundations and left me wondering what the hell my response is supposed to be.
You see, I read a lot of romance novels. And a staple of romance stories is that when the hero kisses the heroine she becomes incoherent. Incapable of thought. Only capable of feeling the sensations sweeping over her. And even when sex is at its best with Lee (and it CAN be very, very good with Lee) I have never, ever felt that brain scrambling lack of thought. I was okay with never feeling that. I thought it was something that only happened in novels and wasn't something that happened in real life. I mean, nobody sees ACTUAL fireworks. I just figured that in real life people's brains don't just shut down. Or maybe it happens to some people, but I'm just not wired that way.
And then... and then...
And then I was with Bobby. And I felt that. That wit scrambling, utter incapability of doing anything other than feel the fiery sensations. From the second he leaned over and kissed my neck the very first time... when we were still discussing whether or not it was a good idea to ACTUALLY go through with it and he gave me this little experimental smile and leaned over and kissed my neck and I... exploded. My whole body reacted instantaneously in a way I never expected and was utterly unprepared for. The chemistry was... insane.
So. Now what?
I'm not saying sex with Lee is bad, or even that it's worse than it was with Bobby. I've had both better and worse experiences with Lee. But with Lee, it's work. Sex is work. And he hates that it's work and that's a big part of the reason why he wants to do it so seldomly. And with Bobby it was just... effortless.
And Bobby has a girlfriend. And I will never get a chance to be with him again. And I want to... because I want that feeling again. I am angry with him for not giving that to me again, even though I know he's under no obligation to do so. And that feeling, it is like a drug. I feel like I would pay any price... my marriage, my soul, just to have it ONE more time. And, like all drugs, I know that if I get it one more time, the withdrawal will just be worse next time, and the price I'd be willing to pay would get higher. It's no good.
And the thing is, Lee is really trying to get better. He's being less selfish... he's finally learning about how to please me. But, on my end at least, a lot of the passion I once felt for him is just gone. And, also, no amount of selflessness... no amount of improvement in technique is going to make the chemistry any better.
And I thought my chemistry with Lee was just fine until I experienced something different. And the thing is... sex with intimacy is better than sex with chemistry only... but is it too much to ask to have both?
But if I leave in search of someone I could have both with... I would be throwing so much away. Is sex really worth it?
And was the chemistry only there because it was new and exciting and the forbidden fruit?
Only I don't ever remember having chemistry THAT intense with Lee. Intenser than it is now, certainly, back before our relationship started falling apart and sex became such a chore and everything got hard. But never that intense.
Passion can be revived, I believe that. If Lee and I fix the sludge in our marriage, we can revive the passion that was once there. But what if even that isn't enough for me anymore?
But how can I be selfish enough to hurt him to chase a rainbow? A dream that maybe can never be?