Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Does What I Want Matter?

Today was actually a good day with my husband.  Those are rare lately, and that gives me all the more reason to treasure them.  But I also feel like I have to remember to be skeptical on days like today.  So often in the past I've been fooled by one good day or even a string of good days, fooled into believing that everything was going to be better now.  Then I get hit with the sledgehammer all over again, feeling like the bottom drops out of my world all over again.  Well, this time I'm staying firmly at the bottom, because it is at least solid ground.  I am going to climb, if I climb at all, very cautiously out, poking my head around and feeling my footing with every step to make sure it is solid.  I will not trust very easily.  But I'm an optimistic person, so that's hard for me.  I tend to believe good things easily and dismiss bad things easily.  It's just that the good I believe has so far always turned out to be insubstantial mist.  Enough rambling.

Tonight, I complimented my husband on what a good day we had.  He went to work. We worked together. We compromised. We cared for and took care of each other.  It was very mutual.  Mutuality is what we've lacked more than anything else in our relationship.  Usually it is him taking and me giving until I am bled dry.  So I complimented him on a good evening.  And he said something that really rubbed me the wrong way, but it isn't until now, several hours later, that I can articulate why.  He said "I have plans for my life. And they don't include losing you."  And I know he meant it in the sweetest way possible.  I have been begging him to fight for us, because I simply can't fight alone any more.  And he meant that he was fighting for us.  He needs to.  He needs to try, he needs to be better, because I simply can't live any longer in a marriage that is all about him and his needs.

But that's the problem.  He has plans for his life, and they don't include losing me.  Therefore, I am not allowed to choose differently.  What if he does everything right, and I still don't want to be with him?
I'm not saying I don't want to be with him.  Some days I do. Some days I don't.  Sometimes it cycles back and forth every five minutes.  I don't really know what I want.  But I feel like it doesn't matter what I want.  Ultimately, I am not allowed to choose.  If he does everything right, I am obligated to stay with him.  I do love him.  I do want him.  But even if he does everything "right," even if he gets his bipolar to a manageable level and learns to pay attention to and care about my needs as much as he cares about his own... life with him is still going to be hard.  It may be harder or it may be easier than being on my own.  I don't know.  I really have no clue what I want at this point.  I am still fighting for my marriage, because I do love this man I live with, even when it isn't easy.  But sometimes I don't know if I want my marriage to succeed.  And that's hard to live with.

But ultimately, it feels like it doesn't matter what I want.  Because if he is a good boy, if he does everything right... well then I have to stay.  Because he has his plans for his life, and they don't include losing me.  So my plans for my life still don't matter.

I'm sick of always taking the backseat to him.  His needs, his disease, his pain is always at the forefront.  My pain and my needs get taken care of if and when there is time.  I know I sound so selfish, and I really guess I am being selfish.  I am just so tired.

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